2013 worlds: The Good

Fuck knows how long it will take to finish, but as is traditional, our worlds review. Yeah it’s late starting but whevs, that just gave you all time to marinate your views nicely.

1. Kohei

We don’t do much MAG, but we know a king when we see one. After his frankly anorexic display in London, the least exciting Olympic AA performance since, well, Yang Wei, we were more than ready for him to show us the good shit here. He didn’t disappoint. Apparently he loves chocolate, and of course Belgium is famous for it. Coincidence? We think not.



2. Simone Biles

A dominant AA performance after an uneven year, competitively speaking. Didn’t put a foot wrong until the floor final, when she stuttered enough that she’d probably have given the title away had Izbasa not finished worlds in her traditional way.

And we can’t be the only ones to squeeze out a little tear watching her parents celebrate when her floor score came in at the end of the AA. Lovely moment.

3. Aliya Mustafina

I am big enough to admit that I did not see that beam title coming. It was another humble pie laced with Bronwyn’s finest catshit moment, actually.

But fuck me, that woman is a machine. We don’t know if viewers have been following the shenanigans in the Russian camp recently, but here is a short precis of what Aliya has had to deal with if not:

– Rodionenkos forcing her coach out all the way to Brazil whilst blaming her, the most decorated gymnast in the whole Olympics, for Russia’s underperformance.

– Bout of flu a couple of weeks earlier

– Having had to peak for Universiade because all the Russian sports federations were told to prioritise that over any other competition

-Being near enough the last Russian standing after Hicky Head Nabieva was done out of bars finals, Paseka withdrew due to injury and Grishina got chacked for being a lazy fucker.

So with that in mind, her performance was astonishing. The bars final was a surprisingly bad day for her, but the AA was a masterclass in It’ll Be Alright On The Night. Watch her face before she starts the beam routine.

This, more than anything, is the event that has been her nemesis. She dug deep and used every reserve, but she stayed on. The scent of bronze in her nostrils, she wasn’t going to let that one go. Like a lioness stalking her prey, but doing it whilst covered in glitter.

And don’t even get us started on the beam title. Sublime and ridiculous, all rolled into one. True that the acro series was a bit crap, but no more so than the ubiquitous bhs loso series chosen by the other medallists. Another masterclass in what it means to hit under pressure, and yet further proof that the entire allowance of headgame for the Russian team was doled out to her.

My 1 year old did a little dance to the Russian national anthem during the beam medal ceremony. She just gets it.

4. Yamilet Pena

Still standing, despite her best efforts to give herself a career ending injury.

5. Romanian choreography

More on the girls from Deva later in the series, but there was one aspect of their work that was an undiluted triumph. Floor. No, they didn’t hit as well as they could’ve, but the choreography and level of performance from Iordache and Izbasa was unmatched. Queen Sandra taking her (alleged) final bow, after falling on the final tumble and nobody giving a shit, was a magical moment.

6. Kyla Ross

Yeah it probably sucks at least a bit of arse to win silver on, like, everything, and no gold. But she did what she was taken to do, plus a cheeky floor finals berth in there too. A fine showing.

7. Epke

Another recklessly exhilirating display, another crap execution score, another gold. We wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s going to take a few more of those before the ghost of Zou Kai is exorcised, but if anyone can do it, Epke and still incredibly young looking BFF Fabien Hambuchen can. We can’t wait.

10 responses to “2013 worlds: The Good

  • Cee

    God, Rodionenkos, how can we miss you if you DON’T GO AWAY. Are they moles infiltrated by the Romanians to torch the Russian program? What is wrong with them? Leave my glitter-hair diva alone!

    All the snarky comments on Pena are killing me. I would love, LOVE it if she had access to some decent coaching–AFAICT she needs a better block.

  • Stoi!

    That’s the reason she didn’t do AA yes laurensy. She did do bars in prelims though, and was hosed. She also did vault, but the less said about that the better.

  • laurensy

    Wasn’t there something about Nabs hitting her head in podium training and that was the reason she was pulled?

  • mike

    Hilarious blog. Please post more!

  • Jack

    no comment on the makeup choices of Aliya in the AA and Sandra? Certainly you wouldn’t save those delights for the “bad” or “ugly!”

  • Jordyn Bieber

    Aliya can win gold on pommel horse if she put her mind to it. Fucking Russian MAG team crumbled. What a waste of jet fuel to take Nasty Nabieva and pathetic Paseka. Grishina would at least have made bars or beam finals.
    What would it take for the Rodinenkos to get fired. I swear they must give Putin the best blow job.

  • Sam

    Finally you are back!! I LIVE for your Russia-centric recaps. Mustafina FTW, always. Diva Commie bitch is still FIERCE at 19.

  • M

    Lol, on things.

    I know you don’t do a lot of MAG, but didn’t you like Kenzo SHIRAI’s floor? that was the highlight for me as well as Aliya’s performance.

    I am glad Epke won but I am tired of these high difficulties and crap execution, they need to do better with that.

    I can’t wait for the “Bad” section.

  • sainabou nyang

    Overall, this was the best worlds I’ve ever watched in a long time.

    If musty lasts all the way to Rio, they should give her medal just for putting up with Valentinas BS for another 3 years. In the meantime she needs complete rest for the rest of the year. 2014 is gonna be good!

  • emmasrandomthoughts

    Well worth the wait!

    I don’t think any of us saw Musty winning beam gold(!) but that just made it even sweeter.

    Pena’s suicide attempt failed again, which is always a relief.

    LOL to Sandra finishing her floor routine in her traditional way.

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